Unexpected Visitor

Knock.

Who is it?

No response.

Knock. Knock.

WHO’S THERE??!

“You know me.  We’ve met before.

But I did not stay–

I only held your attention long enough for a moment, maybe once or twice.

“Sometimes it was hard for us to keep contact because the others kept getting in the way and wouldn’t allow me to get close to you.

Anger. Doubt. Fear. Jealousy.

There was very little room for me.”

But why would you keep coming and leaving me?

“Because with the others around, I cannot exist.”

What did you say your name was?

No answer.

Hello??

No answer. Gone.

I wonder…

 did I miss love again?

                           –be d’Vine

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Spiritual Journey

It seems that every time I find myself in the single pool again, I subconsciously make the promise to use the time to focus on my spiritual relationship.  Although not intentional, I’ve found that while being in relationships, I tend to lose focus on my relationship with God.  Yes, I still attend church; and even continue to maintain my commitments within the church (bible study, hospitality, and helping in the other various committees and ministries I’ve chosen to be a part of); but I tend to question whether my heart is in what I do.  I find my relationship to be the center of all my thoughts, my time, and all that I do: I can’t fully engage in what I’m learning and experiencing spiritually because everything within me is caught up in where the relationship is going and whether it will last.

And then, when I find myself single again, I find myself attempting my best to get back in touch with Christ and apologizing for putting that relationship on the back burner.  Then, after hours of soul searching, I find that God allowed the relationship to end for that very reason–so he could have my undivided attention once again.  It seems that I have yet to accomplish the task of being able to maintain more than one relationship at a time while being in good standing within both.  I guess I’ve felt that the older I get, the better I should be at multi-tasking; but reality seems that I’m quite the opposite.

I have grown up in a family that is quite religious; my father has been a preacher since I was born, and more recently has become a pastor.  Throughout the years of growing from childhood, I have greatly abandoned the importance of taking ownership of my own spiritual relationship because I knew that my parents were always praying for me, allowing me to only reap the benefits of an well-established relationship with The Father through the blessings earned by my parent’s prayers, fasting, worship, etc.  After leaving home at 19, it took me time to learn to grow my own relationship with Christ, as well as gain an understanding of taking control of my own spirituality.

Although near 30-years-old, I find that I’m continually learning different aspects of faith and spirituality everyday.  I’ve studied different religions, denominations, and perspectives of many other faiths to ensure that I am on the correct path that God chooses to lead me.  I’ve found that practices from other religions aside from Christianity have been used to guide me through the path that is right for me; and when in a good place, I know that although I am not to the final destination destiny has provided for me, I am on the correct path God has chosen for me.  And it’s important to never abandon that relationship while trying to maintain another.

So my hopes are that this time around, God takes the time to ensure I do not stray or compromise my relationship with Him in anyway because of the next great thing that comes along.  My prayer is to find a somewhat equal balance between the two–while placing a stronger emphasis on my relationship with Christ.  Only then can I truly give the best of me to a man that’s deserving of all that I am.

Divinely yours,

30, Single & Dating

The Independent Woman

It seems that the 21st century woman is one who represents independence–she makes her own money, pays her own bills, is educated, and has a great career. There have been songs made about it (“All the women who independent-throw your hands up at me!”), references by men in the news, jokes at comedy specials, and I’m sure you’ve crossed paths with a man or two who make references to independent women as a joke. But in reality, it seems like such a threat to them that they don’t know how to accept—or even approach, the fact that we exist.

Men say how great it is to meet a woman who is able to take care of herself and doesn’t always have to depend on someone else, but do they really?

It seems that some men feel that when they’ve met a woman who can take care of herself that somehow, they have to do less. Or you have the ones who say that it’s nice to be with an independent woman for once, but then throw it in your face every time you have the inclination of doing something on your own or getting things done for yourself. I’m not going to lie—there are some women out there who profess to be independent women and are so far into the culture of feminism that they will quickly tell you “I don’t need a man!’ But let me be a representation of the masses and say that most of us are independent because we have to be; but truly appreciate when a man can appreciate our independence, but realize that it’s so nice to meet a man who will meet her halfway.

I had an ex that told me how nice it was to finally find a woman who could take care of herself and didn’t constantly have her hands in his pocket. He was from a small town, and most of the women who he’d dated were women who had stayed in that small town most of their lives and didn’t have any goals to do more or go further than where they had always been. It started out great to have someone with a little money in their pockets who treated me well, never told me something was too expensive to order off the menu; he would even surprise me every week with a sweet gift of shoes, perfume, or earrings. But then…

It seems that whenever I would ask him to do something, he would take too long so I would end up just doing it myself. And then when it would become an argument, the first thing he’d say was “well you’re an independent woman; you don’t need me!”
The fact of the matter is…I didn’t need him. I was fully capable of doing exactly what I need done by myself—and I pray to always have exactly what I need to get what I want. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t nice to have a little help. I know how to appreciate when a man can fix something broken in my house or take care of issues with my car because I know absolutely nothing about cars! And I know how they try to swindle women at auto shops. And I think it’s safe to say that most women out there feel the same way.

In reality, we just want someone to appreciate our independence and know that when its all said and done, we’re going to make sure that everything in both our lives are taken care of and we are in sync with one another. Yes, we have our own money, but that doesn’t mean we don’t appreciate when men help to buy some groceries for our fridges, when they know that we cook lunch and dinner for them when they are the ones who eat the majority of our lasagna we made for dinner that fed them for both dinner and the next day’s lunch. Or that if the woman who’s working late and may not be able to make it to the electric company by the day’s end, has a man who will go ahead and run over there before they close and make sure his lady’s lights don’t get cut off!

Now for every independent woman, there are maybe 3 other chicks who are either waiting for her man to get off work so she can ask him for a few dollars to get their nails done; or coming up with a master plan of who’s her next victim to seduce for some shopping money–there are always going to be some of those women out there.  Just like there’s always going to be some men who will never get more than a part-time, low paying job–there’s no need to have ambition if they know there’s always going to be a chick who’s going to give him a place to stay, food to eat, and treat him like a king if he simply does something nice & sweet every  couple of months.

But just because these small groups of women exist, MEN, please know what a treasure it is to have an independent woman.  There’s a great chance that she doesn’t just want your money.  She admires your ambition, your dedication to showing her how special she is, and most importantly–she wants your time.  Personally, I think one of the sexiest things a man can tell me is how much he’s looking forward to spending time with me.  Just to know that he turned down plans with his friends for the evening just to watch a movie at home with me.

Not to take away from her independence, but when it’s all said and done, an independent woman just wants someone she can be vulnerable with; be her safe place and take some of that load of”independence” she’s always carrying.  Allow her to know she doesn’t have to be so “independent”, and she can just…be.  Simply appreciate her independence…and let her be…d’vine.  #bed’vine

Divinely yours,

30, Single & Dating

Really Happy…or Faking It?

Really Happy…or Faking It?

When we finally ‘think’ we are okay with being single, it seems that so many start shaming others who are in relationships.  We’ve all seen those posts on the various social media websites that basically show pictures and quotes implanting thoughts in the minds of those who are happy in their relationships questioning everything about their partners.  No doubt–there are plenty of people out there who are well aware that they are in bad relationships they stay simply for the pride factor of being able to say they are “taken”; but isn’t that their choice to make?

I believe there are so many women out there that are single after realizing their true worth from former relationships.  And while I somewhat encourage to share the knowledge they’ve learned to help others they know and care about that will help them make informed decisions in their relationship; I do believe that there are many lessons that we all have to learn for ourselves.  How many times have we seen movies, music videos, read books, etc., that give us the plot of two best friends–one in a relationship that the other single friend can see she is being treated badly or whatever–and instead of letting things play out like they always eventually do anyway; the single friend tells the other what she thinks.  And what happens?  The friend ends up hating her, instead of the cheating or abusive boyfriend, and it causes a rift in their friendship.  And in the end, she comes to the realization on her own–that this isn’t the right man for her.

So when you are not the one in the “perfect” relationship, it’s okay to be happy for your friends or loved ones.  Everyone gets their blessings at different times, in different intervals in their lives.  YOU may be wondering where your blessing is, but understand and realize that God blesses you when He feels you’re ready.  So in the meantime…just enjoy getting to comfortable with YOU, YOUR happiness, and being patient for the love YOU deserve.  Be happy, be loving, and definitely… always #bed’vine.

Yours Truly,

30, Single & Dating

Being Single is a Blessing

Nothing makes you think about being who you are more than being alone. Why does it seem that only after a breakup do we really try to “find ourselves” or really get to know who we are? We try to find out why we are the way we are, and “what’s wrong with us”—at least I did.

It seems that its only really in between my relationships that I embrace the things that make me happy or do the things that I truly find pleasure in. Why? Because it seems that during this time I truly feel free. Free to do the things I enjoy without judgment; free to listen to the music I like or go see the movies I enjoy (which is mostly chick flicks). I mostly cook for the joy of trying new recipes rather than fixing someone else’s favorite meal; but most nights I simply eat out with friends or grab a small bite on the way home since I eat like a bird anyway.

I don’t fully understand why I always feel more caged than free while in a relationship, but I guess God knows. That’s why He’s given me some time alone to simply reflect on me.

I, like most young women out there, have always had in mind how my life was going to go. I was supposed to be married by 25, done with having my two children by 28, and exactly where I wanted to be in my career by 30—32 was my cushion just in case taking care of my family got in the way. The old people used to say that if you wanted to make God laugh, tell Him your plans. I imagine He’s been cracking up for years now. As I slowly approach 30 in less than 365 days, I can’t help but think about how many wrong turns I must’ve taken to be single and still dating.

Then one day—like a light bulb came on—I realized this time is for me. And really, once you’ve committed your life to someone, who knows if you’ll ever get that time again? One day you’re going to want that time to yourself—to learn new things, try those random past times you’ve always wanted to try (but didn’t for fear of being judged by your significant other), and so on; and you’ll long for the days of the single life when you could simply just be yourself, by yourself. So use this time wisely, to simply…#bedvine (be d’vine)!

 

Signed,

30, Single&Dating